Perfect Love 4

PERFECT LOVE

VOLUME ONE - CHAPTER FOUR

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Cor 10:5).

So, I finally got my hair done. Hmmm...big braids really look good on me. What a difference . I was so pleased with my new look, that I couldn't help but post some new pics on Instagram. Yeah, I was also kind of hoping you'd get to see them... Oh, well... I guess I will never know.

It's been a few weeks now, and I haven't seen you again. And it should be a relief. For a crazy minute, I thought you might even add me on Facebook again, but I should have known better. You've always been stronger than me. Always had the upper hand and control over me because when I loved you, I loved you with all of me...

I remember how my mom said it's better for a man to love a woman more than she loves him. That way, he'll never take her for granted. But I think the real doom is when there is an imbalance of love, either with the man or woman. I can't love less than my potential...and I don't want to be with someone who despises or penalises me for loving absolutely...or who holds back for fear of being hurt. That's misery.

Anyway, thankfully, life has resumed its normalcy since I saw you last. I can actually go days without giving you a thought. I don't even look out for you anymore. The pain of seeing you again has numbed almost to oblivion.

But the pain of being unhappily married lives with me still. Unlike a lot of unhappily married couples going through a turbulent or stressful marriage, where they know they love each other, and things are just hard or someone is behaving badly...I don't have that assurance that I am loved. In fact, it's knowing that I am not loved by my husband that is the root of my unhappiness.

Our problem isn't that we fight all the time. Our problem is that we don't talk to each other. We're not friends but strangers. We hardly have anything in common, and neither of us (as I'm also guilty) are willing to sacrifice or compromise to accommodate the other. It's like we can't stand each other. We are actually like two magnets that push away from each other, rather than attracting each other. And it's lonely and miserable and painful.

It's especially sad because I know all the right things to say and do, but I feel so hopeless because it takes two! He doesn't see a need to go for marriage counselling, though I've asked repeatedly. He seems to think the solution to our problem is for me to concede and even desire to have another child with him. But the thought frightens me to death!

Having another child with him will not make him love me anymore than he already does(not). It will not give us more time to bond or grow in love. It will come with its own sets of problems and financial burdens, and we're struggling already to look after our only child. The thought of bringing another child into this loveless marriage on the expectation that love will come with the child, that blessing will come with the child, that joy and everything else we ever wanted will come with the child, feels me with such a dread of bondage!

And what about the child that has become the pawn?! The marriage fixer. The one on whom our happiness will be hanged, and who will probably get the blame or feel like they were to be blamed for being the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back?! Rather than address and resolve our issues, he wants to deny and ignore them and proclaim by faith that the next child we have will be the boy he has always craved! Well, I do not have the faith - or should I say, audacity - to take such a chance.

So, I'm stuck. And it's scary, because I know something has to give. He has developed or, rather, maintained a habit of coming home late almost daily, and even sleeping out on occasion, in the name of work and Church! I don't trust him, but I've stopped caring about what he does or doesn't do. My only concern now is for our child, the beautiful girl we share. I just want her to grow up feeling loved and worthy, and never making the foolish mistakes I made...

My phone beeps with a new notification. Temi just sent me some messages on WhatsApp. "Happy Valentine's Day!" "Sorry I forgot. Been busy." "Will try to come home for dinner." "What's for dinner?"

How romantic! See what I mean?

To be continued…

Photo credit: www.pixabay.com

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