Perfect Love 2

PERFECT LOVE

Copyright © Ufuomaee

VOLUME ONE - CHAPTER TWO

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Cor 10:5).

I wrote a poem for you.  Can you believe it?  After everything you put my heart through.  After the pain and disgrace, seeing you again, talking to you again still has such an impact on me.

I know I can never go back to being that girl.  I am so much more than that.  I have learnt so much about myself, about my God and about my purpose.  You are not a part of it.  You are my enemy.

You are poison to me!  Toxic!  Just being in your presence again, and I realise how much I want you and how I can never have you, because you would take and leave me empty...feeling worthless yet living for you.

You were my fix, and I now realise that I will probably always be addicted to you.  But you're no good for me.  Yet, the pull is so strong.  I know better now, but I keep wondering if only...

If only you had loved me, would I be married to you today?  Would we be happy?  Would I have your children and be living a wonderful life?  Would you be the spiritual leader I need in a husband?

Or would you take me for granted?  Would you fall out of love with me?  Would you break my heart?  Would you cheat on me?  Would you want more than I can give?

And now I do wonder...  Are you happy?  Is she the one you had always wanted?  Is she everything you dreamed she would be?  Do you ever wish you'd chosen me?  Do you ever think of me?

But all of these don't matter.  Not for a minute.  Because you are married to her.  And she has given you two beautiful children.  A girl and a boy.  If you don't love her, you are wicked!  And truly, why should I desire such?

I should be happy for you.  In a way, I am.  I am only disappointed that it wasn't us.  That together forever was never our destiny, though it was all I once hoped for.  But you were not the man for me then.  And most certainly are not the man for me now.

I do wonder if I would have felt this way...if I would still desire you, if I was happily married myself.  If my husband was all I hoped he would be...  If he loved me with all his heart and soul...  If we were the best of friends...  Maybe I wouldn't envy you.  Maybe I would feel bad for you...  Or maybe I wouldn't even care or wonder about you...and just be thankful that you let me go so that I could discover real love.

But what's done is done.  What is is all there is...  I messed up the first time.  I can't keep messing up.  I can't keep letting you be my Achilles' heel...my weakness.

I have to be strong.  For myself.  For my family.  For my ministry...

Yes, as a Christian, I am a minister of the Gospel of Christ.  And there are many people who are looking up to me for a good example.  An example that it is possible to do right in the face of temptation.  An example that there's life and joy after failure and redemption.  An example that faithfulness in marriage is possible, when Christ is involved.

And so I see that that's all you are and will ever be to me.  My temptation.  But I can defeat you.  I will get over seeing you again, and I will focus on my marriage.  My ministry.  I will do it to the glory of God.  So…

"What did you get?"  Temi interrupts my thoughts and takes one of the bags I've brought in from shopping to inspect its contents.

"Just a few breakfast things we needed…"  I say, as I carry the other two bags to the kitchen.

"Cornflakes?  Honey?  Toilet cleaner?  Where's the meat and ingredients for soup?"

"I'll get those at the market later.  We were out of eggs and stuff, so…"

"You don't know how to manage money, I swear.  You even bought Kellogg's!  We need food that we can eat, and you're spending all our money on expensive cereals and cleaning supplies!"

"We need to keep a clean house too!"

He hisses and goes back to his armchair, mumbling as usual at my inefficiency.  And I sigh and complete my motivational self-talk.  So help me God!

To be continued…

Photo credit: www.pixabay.com

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