Perfect Love 1

PERFECT LOVE

VOLUME ONE - CHAPTER ONE

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Cor 10:5).

Temi and I have been married for over five years now. Ours was a lukewarm kind of love. It was neither hot nor cold and, overtime, it made me emotionally sick. Our little ember flame from the days of our courtship had completely burnt out by the time we celebrated our first anniversary. And by then, we'd already welcomed Lara into our home. And I was miserable.

I'd chosen and laid my bed, and after years of grumbling that it wasn't what I thought it would be, I finally accepted that truly, it was my destiny. I made peace with the misery. It was my constant companion and my muse. It was even the inspiration behind my first book, "Is This Love?".

After years of being turned down by traditional publishers, I finally decided to take the bold step and publish it myself last month. And now finally, in the wake of a New Year, I have the physical copy in my hands. And I'm happy. At least this dream is still alive. But I should have known that I couldn't run from the other forever…

***

It was just an ordinary day when the seams of my fragile world began to unravel. In fact, it was better than ordinary. Just a little bit.

You found me on a day I was smiling. I was actually happy, and not looking like the usual mess that has become my image of late. I'd actually bothered to brush my hair that day, before packing it back. Yes, it's due for relaxing, but money's been tight lately, so I'm still putting off doing my hair for a big event...

Anyway, I had just come out from delivering my books to a nearby supermarket, and I was feeling chuffed with myself. I was checking out something on Instagram when I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw that it was you... And I caught my breath, ever so slightly. I composed myself pretty quickly I think.

Seeing you again was the last thing I needed... But somehow, I knew I'd longed for it. It seemed almost cosmic, like I had called out to you and you'd heard me. Because just a couple of days ago, I found myself looking for you on Facebook or was it Instagram? Of course, I knew I wouldn't find you, because you'd blocked me years ago. Still, I couldn't help but wonder how you were and what you were up to.

Then you showed up, and I knew. You were doing awesome! You looked happy, and healthy and rich... Life has been good to you.

You drove a shiny, black, apparently new and expensive saloon car. I have never really been the materialistic kind, so I didn't stop to look at the make or model. I was just focused on making the most of this meeting with you, knowing I was probably not going to see you in a long, long time.

I remember the last time I saw you was at your best friend's wedding, some years back. I actually forgot when exactly, but you reminded me. My memory's shit these days, and we could agree on that when I congratulated you on a marriage that was almost four years old, thinking it was just last year...

Yeah, so you're married. With kids! Wow. You're really gone. Out of my reach... Not that I am free myself... My awareness that I am also bound in marriage is only one of the reasons we can never be together again.

The real, real reason is that you don't love me. That was why we didn't work out... And knowing this is like a bullet to my heart. No matter what happens, even if we succumb to lust, the fact that you don't love me would leave me ruined...worse off than I am now. So, it's really better I don't even think about that!

Looking back at our conversation that day, I can't help but feel so foolish. In some ways, I did better than I thought I would if I ever saw you again. I didn't ignore you. I didn't run away. I didn't get angry and bring up the past hurt. And I didn't ask for your number!

It came up - in my mind - but I immediately dismissed it, because we have been there...done that, and well, I can never live through such pain and humiliation again! I knew if you asked, I'd say "No". I believed I would. It's the only wise thing to do. What good could ever come from having your contact...?

It's bad enough that you told me where you live... I was shocked to realise that we are actually neighbours. Well, I couldn't pin point the block of apartments you said you lived in, so I know I couldn't do anything with that useless information. All it does now is leave me with wonder and anticipation about if I would ever see you again... Maybe you'd come to the supermarket one day, while I am doing some house shopping. Or maybe you'd drive by when I'm returning to my car from an errand or something...

But yeah, I just find myself looking in the direction of your home, whenever I go shopping there, wishing I didn't know where you lived... Wishing I didn't know anything about you. Wishing you'd stay dead and gone...and I would never have to confront the fact that, ten years later, I still want you...

To be continued…

Photo credit: www.pixabay.com

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