Broken – Part One (A Broken Promise)

BROKEN - PART ONE (A BROKEN PROMISE)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

Who am I? How do I even begin to answer that question? In all honesty, I don't know who I am, I'm still finding out. I've stopped being shocked at what I am capable of, and decided that I'm going to be true to my real self, and whoever can't deal with it...that's their issue and not mine.

But you're probably asking about my name and my career, basically my bio and my background. Well, my name is Promise or Missy, depending on my mood. My native name is Tejumola Olamisan. I am the second of three children to my parents Kayode and Bukola Odedina. I am 29 years young. I have an elder brother, Toyin, and a younger sister, Kemi.

I am married to Openiyi Olamisan. We've been married a little over a year now. No kids. He is a Business Man, and I'm, well, a Home-maker. I wouldn't say house-wife. I just don't think that title suits me.

When I met my husband, I was what some might call a "runs girl". I had a string of guys I was sleeping with, who looked after my various wants and needs. I wasn't into commitment or anything like that. Relationships for me were about what you can give, and what you're getting in return. I gave them what they wanted, and I got what I wanted. No big deal.

Ope was different. He was probably the only guy in my life that didn't try to get into my pants. You see, my lifestyle was no secret. I wore it like a badge of honour, and the judgement and abuses I got from other women and even some men, spurred me on. Anytime I feel like someone is trying to contain me or control me, I just have to show them that I won't fit and I won't be moulded.

But even knowing what I did, Ope was still a friend to me. He never judged me or tried to save my soul! He just was him and I was me, and I found that I could talk to him about every and anything. And I actually started to fancy him... You know the way you like somebody, because they are so mysterious or unattainable? That was the way it was for me. His lack of pursuit made me want him, in a way I didn't want the others.

So, I fell in love with my best friend, which was what he came to be. It was a secret love, and I couldn't even tell him, because he knew how...what's the word...broken I am. And even though I didn't know whether or not I was capable of giving him more than my body and more than my heart, and give him the commitment every worthy man needs, I still fantasied about us. I longed to tell him how I felt, but I never did. I just buried my feelings the way I always did.

Ummm...but eventually, something happened that brought us closer together. He lost his mother to Cancer two years ago, and it was a really hard time for him, because they were really close. After the funeral, I stayed over to help out and console him. And in his moment of pain, through his tears, he leaned in and kissed me. I had been desperate for that kiss, and so when he pulled himself back in shock, about to apologise, I reached for him again and kissed him with all my passion. It was quite intense.

That was when we knew that we had something between us. That day, we only shared a kiss. Knowing what I was used to, I didn't want to devalue what we had by having sex with him. I wanted our first time to be special, and I knew he did too.

However, we talked, and he told me that he had loved me ever since we first met back when I was in University and he was doing his MBA. He said he had been too afraid that I would break his heart, so he never tried to tell me. I didn't understand it. Like, how or why he would love me? Nobody ever made me feel loved in my life. Not even my mother. She had her own issues...and maybe it didn't help that I was the middle child, but yeah...I got the least of her attention. And my dad...well, it turns out he had a whole other life. He fulfilled his financial obligations to us, but he was never there.

So, when Ope told me how he loved me and had longed for me, but had been afraid that I would break his heart, I knew right there and then what I had to do. I had to give him everything. Because I wanted everything from him, not just his money or his body or his heart...I wanted his commitment. And that's how and when I stopped running around, and became somebody else for Ope.

We actually waited until we were married to have sex. It wasn't for any religious reason...but for the mere fact that our love would be different. Untainted by my past. And when I finally gave him my all, it would be as new...as though I had never been with another man. Like a virgin, touched for the very first time! Hahaha!

But you know something, what is broken is not fixed with wishful thinking. I wasn't a virgin when we made love for the first time. My body declared itself torn, used and broken. I didn't feel him, I didn't appreciate him...my experience meant that my expectations for that first time were destined to be dashed. And he too knew that I wasn't the virgin he had hoped for.

You see, he's not so well endowed...and I'm not so tight anymore. Sexually, we didn't fit. But we didn't know that until we were married. He wasn't so learned sexually, even though he had had a few partners before me, so he didn't really know how to stimulate me and please me in bed. I was able to do for him what I did for the others, but our love making left much to be desired.

As you can imagine, it was really hard for us, realising that we might be a sexually challenged couple, for the rest of our lives, even though we were madly in love. I tried to be faithful. I really did. I tried to be satisfied with what he could offer me, but it wasn't long before my burning needed to be cooled down.

One day, I bumped into an old acquaintance, Andrew, at the Supermarket. We'd had a brief affair back in the day, and I knew he was well endowed and could get the job done. We arranged to meet at a hotel, and he fixed me for a while. It was mad because I cried the whole time, while being pleasured by Andy. I hated myself for what I couldn't give Ope. My fidelity.

The guilt ate me up. But if only guilt could stop someone from doing wrong... It couldn't stop me. And the gap between my itching grew shorter and shorter, until I had to keep a regular Fixer. That's Tony, my neighbour. The hardest and most painful part isn't the cheating, it is the cover up... The pretending. The hiding. The trust that is broken. The secrets that I keep from him, that eat at the love I have for him.

And you know what, I think he knows. Maybe he even knew about the first time. His eyes have pain in them, a pain I had never seen before. I am killing him, breaking him as I have been broken. And I can't stop myself.

So right now, my marriage is in trouble. I don't think I'm cut out for this thing, even though it is what I want. I want to be happy so badly. My husband is good to me! He loved me filth and all. And I know he still loves me and that is what is killing me. I think we are both waiting for him to stop loving me, so I can be free to go...and be my horrible self. Alone.

But I'm scared of that day. I'm scared that I won't survive it. I'm scared that when he doesn't love me anymore, I won't want to live. But like a float on a tide rushing to a waterfall...I feel I am hasting to my destiny.

So who am I? I am the sum of my decisions. I am the sum of my experiences. I am the sum of the injustices done to me. I am a plain sheet that has been stained, torn, burnt...trying to be whole and failing miserably.

I came to you, because I know that you've had your own experiences of brokenness. Somehow, you've managed to turn your trials into your strength and a gift for helping others...and I just want to know if there is hope for me yet. Should I leave him, before I break him irreparably? I know he deserves better, and I love him enough to leave him... I don't want to hurt him anymore.

"Ummm... Thanks for coming to me and being so honest about what's going on with you. This process is going to be long, depending on how open you are to the truth. You know that I believe in Jesus, and I am not just any other counselor. The solutions I have for you can only work for you, if you also believe in Jesus, and do what He asks of you. I know you're not a religious person, so I have to ask you...is this something you're willing and ready to do?"

Honestly, at this stage, I think I would try anything. But I'm really, really struggling to believe that Jesus is the only way. I can't help but wonder if He is indeed real, where the hell has He been all this time? Why did He let me get molested at the age of nine? Why did I have to be broken and live with needs that I can't legitimately satisfy? How can I be judged for actions I wouldn't have made, if I had not been abused as a child? I just don't get what sort of solution He could possibly offer me, and why I should trust it.

So, if there's another way besides having to believe that there is a God, and that my suffering was for some kind of divine purpose, then, yeah...let me in on it. But I'm sorry, I don't believe in God.

"What about your husband? Does he believe in God?"

Strangely, yes. He's not a fanatic Churchgoer or evangelist, but I know he believes in God. He prays and reads his Bible, and when we first got married, I used to read and pray with him. Then, we were praying for God to help our sex-life. I wonder if he still prays for that. I gave up trying to enjoy sex with him, and just concentrate on pleasing him. But he isn't happy, because he wants to please me too.

I think, if he is okay with me being pleased by other men, while I please him, we could work it out. It's not ideal, but it's better than covering it up and deceiving him. But then again, the way I feel about him, it would break my heart to pieces is he were to go to another woman to be satisfied sexually. So, I guess it's that "do unto others what you would have them do to you" thing...

I guess there's wisdom in the things that Jesus said. He was definitely a wise guy. Can't I just take His advice and not believe that He is God?

"It's funny you should ask that. Jesus actually challenged us to obey Him first, because by obeying Him, we get to see for ourselves the wisdom in His word and the realisation of the truth sets us free. He said in the Sermon on the Mount that the one who is wise does what He says, and his house will stand because he has built on a sure foundation, but the foolish who ignores His counsel (maybe because of unbelief), will find their house will sink when troubles come. So I do think you can know who Jesus is...whether or not He is God, by simply obeying Him first. And if you are willing, I want to share with you, the wisdom I learnt from Him, that set me free. And you can make up your own mind, when you have tried His wisdom...whether He is who He says He is or not."

Okay. Like I said, I'm desperate to change my situation. I am willing to try Jesus, because nothing else has worked. I appreciate your help, and thanks for not judging me.

To be continued...

Photo credit: www.pixabay.com

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